


You must accept yourself to be happy

by Draga



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017), Riverdale (TV 2017) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Toni Topaz, Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz Smut, Closeted Character, F/F, F/M, Lesbian Cheryl Blossom, Sad Cheryl Blossom, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-22 22:10:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18536464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draga/pseuds/Draga
Summary: Cheryl took years to discover her sexuality. Then it took her more years to accept herself. And when she gathered the courage to accept herself and confess her sexuality to her loved ones, she only suffered the consequences of a homophobic family that prevented her from being just as she was, to the point of shoving her back into the closet and chaining herself to the farthest part of the door.Only one person could get Cheryl to accept herself in order to be happy.





	You must accept yourself to be happy

Cheryl hated her parents. Or at least she hated a part of them. They were not such bad parents or people as to hate them, but there was something that would always be a chasm between them: they were homophobic.

During her school years they tried to ignore the possibility that her daughter could be something other than heterosexual. They had no problem saying things like "Oh, Cheryl , is this adorable boy your boyfriend?” when they saw her playing with Archie Andrews or some friend of Jason. And Cheryl was surprised, because she did not know what "boyfriend" really meant when she was 5 years old and because Jason, who did seem to know what it meant, made a gesture of gagging when they asked her if Polly Cooper was her "girlfriend". So Cheryl imitated her brother's gestures. The difference when she was learning the meaning of the word "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" is that Jason's disgusting gestures were those of a boy of that age when he sees kisses or romantic gestures in older people, and his parents told him " When you're older and you want girlfriend, you won’t make those faces." However, Cheryl's disgusting gestures were because she really never wanted to to have a boyfriend. Only Jason , when both were 8 years old, joked with the possibility that maybe what Cheryl wanted was a girlfriend. And Cheryl did not comment or make a face of disgust with that suggestion, but she blushed as red as her hair.

Their parents immediately corrected Jason for daring to say something like that, so Cheryl thought that what Jason had implied was a bad thing and she did not want to do something bad that would upset or disappoint her parents. That was because Jason had always been the rebel of the two, and Cheryl the responsible sister. Their parents always considered Jason a hopeless case, so all their hopes were on Cheryl, and she must be correct to the best of her ability. Clifford and Penelope Blossom expected from Cheryl double the better because they did not expect anything from Jason. She was the golden daughter, and although when she was a little girl she was so proud of being their favourite daughter, over the years she would discover that maybe being the perfect daughter was not so good, especially if her concept of "perfection" was so different from her parents’.

 

  
At the age of 12, Cheryl began to think that maybe, just maybe, having a partner would not be as bad as she thought as a child. Romantic movies interested her, love seemed them, but after always seeing the same kind of movies with her friends Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge , Cheryl noticed how she did not show the same enthusiasm as them when the typical guy finished with the typical girl in the typical movie.

"You don’t like the movie, Cheryl?" Betty asked as they watched A Walk to Remember for the first time. The blonde already had watery eyes while Veronica ate popcorn in handfuls between sobs.

"Yes, of course" replied the redhead with reluctance. And it's not that she didn’t like it, but after spending each Christmas watching the same romantic movies, Cheryl was beginning to find every plot of every romantic movie the same.

Her friends continued to get excited during the movie and commenting on how handsome the protagonist was while Cheryl thought that the girl was prettier, however she wondered what her parents would say if they heard her, so she preferred to keep her opinion and simply say that to her the actor looked handsome. He actually was handsome, but Cheryl did not understand the need to drool as her other two friends did whenever an actor seemed handsome.

 

 

With 14 years old it was the third time they saw A walk to remember. It had become tradition to see it at least once a year, and as always, although the plot excited Cheryl and she thought it was very adorable, there was something that prevented her from getting excited as much as her two best friends, but as the years passed Cheryl was beginning to suspect why but immediately turned that possibility away from her mind to a very secluded place.

After the other two girls were talking about the older guys in the high school who they thought were handsome while Cheryl was reluctant to listen and roll her eyes, the redhead was almost excited to see the same movie again with such a love story as pretty as common and boring for her. 

Almost.

"You never like any movie we see, Cheryl. Why don’t you choose next time instead of protesting all the time? You're so… unromantic" Betty protested after Cheryl booed for the fifth time in twenty minutes in the night.

Cheryl tensed, immediately getting defensive, though she did not fully understand what there was to defend herself against.

"That's not true, I love it when we see Titanic"

"Yes, because you love it when the ship starts sinking and almost everyone dies" Veronica laughed without taking her eyes off the screen of her living room, despite knowing from memory the dialogues.

Cheryl rolled her eyes and Betty made a sound as if to agree with Veronica.

"It's not that I don’t think it's a good movie, it's just... it's always the same" she tried to explain.

"What do you mean? "Veronica insisted though without much interest, her eyes still glued to the television.

Cheryl thought for a moment, and when she was frustrated by not even knowing the answer herself, she shook her head.

"Doesn’t matter. Pass me more popcorn."

 

At the age of 16 Cheryl began to understand many things, such as why at an age when you were supposed to have revolutionized hormones she did not feel attracted to any boy in her class, why even if the male protagonist of some movie was "perfect" according to Veronica and Betty, she always focused more on the female protagonist, why she kept looking disgusting as when she was a child when her friends asked her if she did not want to have a boyfriend in her life or why instead of drooling over the most handsome boys in high school she scared them with aerosols and insults of the XIX century, why when there was a couple of girls in any series she get obsessed with them instead of the typical heterosexual couple and why she became defensive when her friends -even if innocently - brought out directly a subject that she did not understand until recently: her lack of interest in men.

And it is that throughout her teenage years Cheryl had avoided having anything more than a friendship with any boy, and although she was a provocative girl who liked to be liked, when she saw any boy look at her as if she was a piece of meat or tell her a compliment, she always rolled her eyes and felt the same desire to vomit that she felt as a child.

However, although in a hidden and distant part of her mind she already imagined what it was all about and was in the process of assimilating it, having friends like Betty and Veronica, who were always talking about boys and having their first sexual intercourse and other heterosexual topics, did nothing but to stop Cheryl to discover their own sexual tastes and preferences, causing herself to dismiss the issue and that each time her parents or Jason asked if there was no boy she liked, she tensed and answered that she was too focused on her studies and that all the boys in Riverdale were too stupid in immature for her to be interested.

Of course that speech served for a couple of years, but seeing how Jason was changing girlfriend after girlfriend like they were socks and Cheryl had not even given her first kiss, her mother began to stop saying that "of course, Cheryl, just focus on your studies and later you'll have more time to have boyfriend " and just look at her with raised eyebrows, or make a comment about how strange it was that Cheryl had never shown interest in anyone.

"I have very high expectations that not everyone can fulfill, mother" always responded Cheryl.

"So many books and movies are making you believe that love will be perfect, Cheryl, but you must accept that what you see is what there it is. You must lower your expectations if you do not want to be alone forever" Penelope reproached with a tired sigh, because since Jason did not seem to seek anything stable with anyone, her hopes were that Cheryl would study and marry in a couple of years to have the stability necessary to start a family and run the family business.

 

What nobody, neither her family nor her best friends knew, is that as the comments of other people forced her to pretend to be something she was not and not to explore what she wanted to know about herself, Toni Topaz was in charge of dividing Cheryl's mind and feelings in two.

Toni was a southerner who had moved, along with some companions from Southside High to Riverdale High. A petite girl with brown hair dyed pink, caramel-colored skin, expressive eyes and dazzling smile, and a friendly and flirtatious personality that for a whole year had been the center of attention in Riverdale High, both boys and girls drooling over her. It is important to say that Toni was fucking attractive. Usually Cheryl would saw her from afar, and when she was around she simply stood there, speechless. Her brother Jason had tried unsuccessfully to flirt with Toni at various parties, and although Cheryl knew she should not get angry, it bothered her enough that Toni attracted so many people. Including Cheryl. If she knew, Toni Topaz could boast of being the only person who had caught the attention of the girl. And she had done it in a big way.

Toni had become the absolute protagonist of any fantasy of Cheryl’s, who no longer wondered in the middle of the night why watching heterosexual porn only made her sleepy or retching. Since she had seen Toni for the first time wearing that top and those obscenely short shorts, Cheryl needed only the mental image of the girl or to see some photograph of her on Instagram to explore her sexuality under her red silk sheets.

The fact that Toni was openly bisexual and a person obviously self-confident and willing to enjoy life as much as possible without being discouraged by the opinions of others, was perhaps the only defect that Cheryl saw in Toni. Not because of envy -which also-, but because while she had been doubting her sexuality for years and moer years trying to accept it for herself and probably will spend more years to dare to do something about it -as having something with a girl or telling to her friends and family that her lack of interest in boys was because all her interest was in girls (specifically in a girl) -, she had to see how during several years at parties some boys and girls making out with Toni.

A part of her thought that she could not get angry because others had the courage to go talk to Toni that she hadn’t, but the most insecure part of Cheryl preferred to blame others for inhibiting her to be anything other than heterosexual. Not that she expected her friends to look at her badly or stop talking to her if she admitted to being attracted to the girls -in fact Veronica absolutely adored Toni and Betty also seemed to like her despite Jughead and Toni having had some story while the blonde was gathering the courage to speak to her crush - but Cheryl knew that no one expected her to be attracted to girls, and Cheryl had spent her entire life doing what others expected of her. Getting out of her comfort zone even if it was to free herself and be herself was something that terrified her.

In fact, it frightened her so much that even though part of her was inevitable and of course now free to fantasize kissing or having sex with a girl, another part of her clung increasingly to the possibility that perhaps she had not yet met the right guy to feel something for some guy at all.

 

At the age of 18, Cheryl decided to get out of the closet first with her family, starting with a small group of supposed trust. In addition, it would always be easier to hope that her friends did not find out about her sexual orientation through her parents than to expect her parents not to hear about the rumors all over Riverdale that their daughter had said she was homosexual. Riverdale was a small town after all, and it would be easier to keep such a secret from her friends than from her parents. 

That advice had been Kevin's, perhaps the only boy Cheryl really tolerated and cherished. She still remembered the feeling she felt when at Veronica's 18th birthday the boy had approached her to comment on how beautiful Toni was.

And Cheryl could be many things, but she wasn’t stupid.

"Being gay does not mean that you are blind, of course, but that you approach me after an hour and a half here just to talk about Toni Topaz's beauty makes me suspect that this conversation has an ulterior motive" Cheryl said deflecting her look of the hairy girl, who had being glued to the hip to a blonde with blue eyes that had approached her as soon as they started drinking.

Kevin smiled.

"You know we're friends, right? Good friends. We've known each other since we were 12, and I think you also appreciate the level of friendship and trust between us to walk bluntly "Kevin said as Cheryl drank and made a seemingly disinterested sound, encouraging him to keep talking. "I just think that, although I know that Betty and Veronica are your best friends and we do not usually have excessively deep conversations, you might feel more comfortable talking to me about this topic than with them."

Cheryl froze, because although Kevin was looking at her and talking to her the same way you spoke to a wounded animal without wanting to scare it, Cheryl had an intuition too acute not to know what Kevin was talking about. Still, as she looked at the boy sitting next to her, she ignored Kevin's sympathetic gaze and the lump in her throat, her suddenly sweaty palms and the racing beat of her heart, and buy time, perhaps even divert the subject.

"Excuse me? I do not know what you're talking about, but maybe you should stop drinking; there are still at least 2 hours left and you clearly have has enough alcohol already " Cheryl snapped trying to get up, but Kevin grabbed her arm and made her sit down again.

"Cheryl , wait, don’t get mad" Kevin said gently as Cheryl avoided his gaze and squeezed her empty glass too tight. "I'm not trying to push you out of the closet or make you feel uncomfortable, just tell you that if you ever want to talk about ... you know ... You can count on me. I may have misinterpreted the way you always look at Toni or don’t show any sign of interest in boys, but if it is why I think it is, I want to remind you that I went through the same thing years ago and I know it's not easy, but I am your friend and I will support you and I will listen if the reason of those looks to Toni and your lack of interest in the boys is what I think it is, ok?” Kevin smiled softly when Cheryl finally looked at him, and the redhead was grateful that he didn’t comment that Cheryl's eyes had gotten wet and how she had run out of words.

Minutes later, when Cheryl looked again at Toni to see her kissing with that blonde, Cheryl found herself smiling sadly at the understanding look of Kevin.

"Thank you Kevin."

 

Weeks later, Kevin was the first to confirm that Cheryl was not heterosexual because Cheryl admitted out loud for the first time that she liked girls. The young Blossom believed that Kevin would be the first of many to hear and accept her as she was, because she was still Cheryl Blossom and her sexuality should not matter to anyone but her.

 

But she was fucking wrong.

And Cheryl Blossom was not stupid, but she was naive, and the moment for which she had been collecting courage for years ended up being the greatest regret in her 18 years.

"How are you going to like women, dear ? What do you mean?" Nana Rose was the first to speak after Cheryl dropped the bomb as if nothing to normalize the topic, and that this was the first time that Nana Rose took part in the conversation in the whole dinner made Cheryl feared the worst.

They were having an ordinary Saturday dinner and Cheryl had been all week and all day thinking about the best way to tell her family. She knew that she could count on Jason's support, as always, and that although he would feel a little hurt because he had not known it before, Jason would give her the support and affection that Cheryl deserved at that moment.

"I think it's clear what she means" Penelope grimaced between disappointment and other negative feelings, but not showed surprise, which led Cheryl to think if her mother did not suspect already that her daughter was homosexual and had never commented on it to avoid knowing the truth and thus be able to pretend that Cheryl being anything other than heterosexual was even a possibility.

"Well, and what is the problem? I also like girls and there's nothing wrong ... " Jason tried to defend her but the abrupt sound his father made with the cutlery against the plate silenced him immediately.

Cheryl jumped in her seat of fright and repentance of having said nothing began to make her want to cry.

"You're a boy, Jason" their mother said with a sharp tone as if that answer was the answer to everything, the most obvious solution to the most absurd problem in the world.

"Don’t listen to her, it will be only a phase. Cheryl is still very young, she does not know what she says or wants" Nana Rose commented with a sweetness that made her feel sick and tense, because if she was sure of something, it was that she liked girls. She wanted to shout at how much it had cost her to realize it for 18 years, and then accept it and gather the courage to tell them, and even though she knew it would not be something they liked, she expected them to accept her because they were her parents and they loved her and should accept her just as she was, just like she did accept and love them. It was not even that they got angry and shouted horrible things because then Cheryl would know that they had taken seriously the reality of her revelation. They didn’t even give it the importance to get upset but the way they seemed to listen the news as if she was a child saying things without meaning or knowing what she was talking about, hurt more. They didn’t even believe, or wanted to believe, what Cheryl was saying, and that hurt more than seeing her parents just angry or struggling to accept the news.

"As if Jason did not give us enough problems..." her mother murmured without looking up from her plate.

Cheryl wanted to hate that her brother was so rebellious and carefree since always, because now her parents expected her to be the opposite. Always right, always correct, always educated and perfect. She also felt envious and thought that she was a coward for not getting up and screaming that she was not a robot to get programed for absolutely everything, but then imagined that if she rebelled she would have all the consequences that Jason never had, and she preferred to stay just like she was.

And just when Cheryl thought that after a bad time her parents were finally going to accept that she liked women, the only thing her father said was:

"At least you would like men too, right?" And he asked with that tone of I-don’t-accept-a-no-as-answer , it was his way of "looking for the best of the worst ", while her mother continued to kill the salad on her plate with her fork as if the poor food was her worst enemy, Jason looked at her with a sidelong grief at her side and Cheryl was beginning to notice a familiar stinging in her eyes.

She wanted to answer her father truthfully and them to accept her response, or at least not try to make her think that she was choosing badly or that she simply did not know how to choose. This was not like when her mother picked a dress for her that was different from which she wanted to wear, why Cheryl's choice was wrong. There was no possible choice on that subject, and although Cheryl knew it in her mind, the look of disapproval and disappointment from her father made her wish she could choose and please her parents. After so many years struggling to realize that she wasn’t heterosexual and finally have accept it and warming her sexual identity, in less than five minutes her parents made her wanted to be heterosexual and hate herself for being different from what they expected from her. 

Perhaps to not cry or disappoint her parents more, or simply to settle the issue and accept that her parents would never accept otherwise, Cheryl replied in a low voice:

"Yes Dad. I like boys too."

And that statement that she liked boys too was enough for her parents to forget that Cheryl had said something about liking girls. And life went on as if nothing, as if Cheryl had never said anything. Except for the odd look of disapproval from her mother, who stopped treating her like the golden daughter to treat her as if every disappointment Jason had given them would have been Cheryl's fault. And the young Blossom wished she had never said anything, wished not being attracted to women and being able to feel the least interest in boys.

That night it was clear to Cheryl that although her parents loved her, they did not accept her as she was, and Cheryl wondered if people could really love someone if they didn’t accept them just as they are.

 

Kevin realized how Cheryl had gone from talking to him openly about her newly accepted sexuality to avoid talking about it again and even making him shut up bluntly, closing herself completely, so the boy supposed that talking with her parents had gone badly, but he hoped that that would not discourage Cheryl from openly accepting herself.

But Kevin kept waiting for his friend to open at least to him again on the subject.

 

And while year after year they passed for Cheryl hating and envying Toni during the day and fantasizing about her at night, Cheryl started having dates and kissing occasionally with boys, and pretending a false interest in heterosexual movies and conversations about boyfriends, trying to ignore the confused and surprised looks of Betty and Veronica. Cheryl promised herself to ignore Toni and her desire for her all the time she had left in Riverdale, because she had started dating Nick St. Clair and her parents looked at her again as if she was the perfect daughter, and although Jason and Kevin, tried to bring up the subject of her homosexuality, Cheryl always responded that she liked boys too, that she liked Nick and that she was bisexual, and she said it so confident that she almost believed her own lie.

And while her twin brother and Kevin seemed exasperated each time Cheryl seemed to have forgotten to confess that she liked girls, her parents seemed delighted to believe that Cheryl's sudden attraction to boys nullified any interest in girls.

So for Clifford and Penelope Blossom, Cheryl never came out of the closet. And Cheryl began to rejoice that her parents had forgotten that night and that confession and they were happier with Nick than she was.

 

  
At age of 21 Cheryl was an adult finally. She could drink alcohol, go to jail, watch adult movies and enter a Casino. Cheryl always grew up believing that even if she repressed herself during her childhood and adolescence, once she was an adult she would have the freedom that she had always dreamed of having, without being considered an unconscious child who needed her parents to make any decision.

Unfortunately, the memory and the consequences after that confession years ago prevented more than ever that Cheryl could feel free and happy with her sexuality.

Cheryl went to the University in New York, away from Riverdale, her parents, her friends and Toni Topaz , because she more than anyone else was a constant reminder to Cheryl that no matter how hard she tried to feel something for Nick, no matter how hard she repeat herself a lie to try to believe it, it would always be a lie.

However, she did not give much importance to that topic. She focused again on her studies and on downplaying the lie in which she lived, so that everything was much easier.

Until her 23rd Christmas, when Nick thought it would be a good idea to ask her to marry in the middle of Christmas Eve dinner in front of both families .

And she kept lying to herself and everyone saying “Yes”.


End file.
